Mar 23
"When kids tell me that they feel sorry for me because I'm old, I say
to them, 'Son, what you don't know is that life is shit, and you have
all that shit in front of you. And me, I'm most of the way through
that shit and it's almost over. You're screwed.'"
Happy Hour Philosopher and Pending Children's Author, Joshua Winters
Jul 3
Britt imitating a dear friend, who she happens to think is dominated in his relationship, "oh yes dear, what do you want me to do to you?"
Lindsay: (delivers quiet giggle that makes everyone interpret that statement inappropriately)
Jun 28
"I didn't realize that I was supposed to be aiming for your mouth."
- TPR
Jun 25
"I know it's not polite to ask, but how old are you in kangaroo years?"
- Cultural anthropologist and noted zoologist, David Atwood to an Aussie (circa only his 3rd beer).
Jun 16
"I just ripped off the side of the box and made my own hole."
- I don't even know how to attribute that one... Stephanie Lynn.
Jun 15
"You know what I used to love? Dipsticks! The one where you lick the sugary dick and dip it into more sugar and lick it. So delicious!"
- Innovative confectioner and dentist's worst nightmare, Stephanie Lynn (circa post-burrito food coma).
Jun 12
"If you insert the rod in misalignment, they will not walk right until you correct the rod alignment."
- Some German surgeon (who may or may not be the world's least desired lover.)
May 27
In an interaction with my two nieces:Niece 1 (age 11): What happened to your girlfriend?
Andrew (age 25): What? We broke up a year and a half ago. How do you remember her?
Niece 2 (age 9): When are you going to get a new girlfriend?
Andrew (getting a little uncomfortable): I don't know, why?
Niece 1: Well, you are old and you need a girlfriend. Joann is younger than you and she has a boyfriend.
Andrew (who is determined to not be defeated by 2 prepubescent girls): I don't need a girlfriend. I am perfectly fine the way I am.
Niece 1: But everyone needs someone, that's how it works. You need a girlfriend.
Andrew (Reverting into pure defense mode): Girls have cooties.
Niece 2: Nuh uh. Boys have cooties.
Andrew (I can win this one): No, girls have cooties!
Niece 1: Well, boys are stupid!
Andrew (has them on the ropes): Oh, yeah? Girls are stupid and have cooties!
Niece 2: You have a ding-dong!
Andrew: Well... (completely stumped and flustered).
May 6
"We are all whores in a way, and cheap ones at that. We sell our brain power to people who place ridiculous demands on us and don't pay us enough. We lead lives that are full of stress and we live in squalor. Just whoring out our brains..."
-- Early morning philosopher and esteemed pessimist, Benjamin David Roewer (c. Leaving for work on a Thursday morning)
May 1
"What's with all the hair pulling? You should save that for a more appropriate scenario"
- (Said to an 8 month old baby) Renowned Child Psychologist and Future Creepy Uncle, George "Spazzy" S. (c. Happy hour).
